If you know much about me, you know that I am a question-asker. It seems that I have been this way all of my adult life. My goal has never been to be nosey or intrusive, but rather I love learning someone’s story. One of my sayings is this, “If you learn a person’s story, you can love them more!”

Let’s just say, I operate by the philosophy that it’s not the first question that gets you the real story; it’s usually the second and subsequent questions. We can apply this philosophy to knowing our spouse better also.

So here are 10 sex questions to ask your spouse. You can use these verbatim or totally change them and make up your own. The goal is to build trust and vulnerability through conversation.

Be prepared to answer the same questions, to listen well, and to seek understanding. 

  1. How did you first learn what sex was when you were growing up?
  2. What attitude did your parents and/or other adults in your life have about sex?
  3. How did early experiences with physical affection affect your perspective on sex and relationships as you got older.
  4. Knowing what you know now, what would you tell your newly-married self about sex in marriage?
  5. What do you enjoy most about our sexual intimacy?
  6. If you had to use 3 words to describe sex in our marriage right now, what would those words be and why?
  7. What, if any, sexual struggles do you think we have had or currently have?  
  8. What do I do that you enjoy sexually?
  9. How do you think we could have more fun sexually?
  10. How do you think we can grow closer sexually?

Some of the questions above are heavier than others. I know some of these questions may create hard conversations. Only you know your marriage enough to know when is best to have these conversations. You may only do a couple of questions. The goal of this list is not to get through it. The goal is for you and your spouse to connect over how you really feel about your sex life.